Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This house was built for laser tag.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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