happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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