i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
In America we eat man semen.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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