You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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