somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
