I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
