i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
