there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
