i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
