We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
