My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
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Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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