working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
