No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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