Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
