Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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