Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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