So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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