sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
