On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
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Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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