It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
