I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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