And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
