just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You ruined the universe
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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