dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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