Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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