I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
