then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
