I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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