I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
