Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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