haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
