Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
