the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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