You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
