This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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