Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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