So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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