Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
