thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
