Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
