I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
