im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
