I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
