I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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