You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
