oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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