So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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