a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
