mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Say something about gay babies.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
