I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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