I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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