I think I died a long time ago.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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