just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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