worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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