we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Two words: nipple clamps
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