I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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