how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
