This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
